Rock baby rock m/

Once upon a time i was actually idealistic when it came to love. Of course theres a very fine line between naive and idealistic… but looking back, i think i was more of the latter. Although i did insist on a minimum 4month courtship back then and i did ask a boy to cut down his smoking to 6 sticks a day. hehe! still, i never made silly kiddie rules like ask me permission or dont go out with who… i was traditional maybe, and i believed a little too much in the good in people…but i was not naive. afterall, i did love truly.

My belief and definition then: love shouldn’t come with conditions. Not because he does you favors. Not because he wooed you with the world. Not because he was born into a family with lots of cars and a big bank account. Not even because he was amazingly nice to you. You love because you just do. Love that person, because you decided to. And so maybe, i loved even the most unlovable of the lot. (hahaha. fine, maybe i was a teeny bit naive) But my idealism gave me qualities then that even i find amazing. (and wish, i still had) I loved without conditions. so i never expected too much. The good in a person was the only thing i needed..and so i was appreciative whenever I was blessed with more than that. I loved without condition… my patience and forgiveness was extensive. i loved without condition, and so it was never short-lived…my love was a prize.

Now i understand why Peter Pan never wanted to grow up. As you grow older and experience more of the earthly things, your beliefs become compromised. You lose the contentment and simplicity of childhood. And ultimately, your idealism gets drained by disappointments, a rapidly growing ego, by what is practical and by an ambitious search for the mythical kind of happiness. Although i still am low on maintenance, over the years I’ve realized I’ve been a glutton for contentment. And because my muggle being was so indulged in the search, many times I’ve forgotten to appreciate the simple requirement i once had of people- that is, innate good. So i voraciously experienced the world sadly hurting so many good people. Not only was my idealism missing. My love was no longer a prize…

All this time, the key to finding my happiness was something i had…but lost. to love idealistically… to love without conditions.

In my blogs, all i ever rant about is how much love has scarred me and how much i have scarred others. But despite all my girlie angst and turmoil, i happen to believe in it still. and also, in the innate good of people. And so now, whether naive or idealistic may your perception of me be, i patiently pray for the one who will love me with that same amount of idealism i am slowly trying to relive. The kind of love that will love me without condition…the kind that will believe in my innate good. If and when that finally happens… my restless soul can rest. because i’ve finally found my prize…

The wordly beings will say that love isn’t enough.  I once heard myself agree.  But take away everything that makes us unmagical, take away practicality, pride and discontent…  love simply, forgivingly and unconditionally… and you will realize that love, although not extravagant or perfect, will always find a way…and will always, always be enough.

All girls know that there are all sorts of ways to cry.  There’s that one tear drama that momentously falls down your cheek while you’re getting into the highlight of your favorite soap opera.  There’s the silent, angry and bubbling with emotion kind of cry as frustration sends five consecutive drops plummeting down your flushed cheek on a distressing day.  There’s even that dreamy tear that you dab with a finger as it ever so gracefully frames the side of your eye as your boyfriend surprises you with something really sweet.  There’s the plain sad day cry that we all know too well. and of course there’s that bad day cry that we know even better.  But right now, I think I discovered a new way to cry…at least maybe for me.

It’s the kind that you can’t at all control. Tears just hurdle down your sorry cheeks… drop after drop.  And every time, it feels like a part of you just falls to the ground with it.  This is the kind of cry that doesn’t even let you make a sound.  Nothing ever helps.  You open your mouth, because you know it might help to wail, but nothing comes out.  It’s just too overwhelming.  Your emotions consume you.  It’s the kind you’ve tried to stop 3 times already but you still just can’t…so you just tell yourself to run its course because you’re bound to stop at some point… but you don’t.  Puffy eyes and all out of tissue… still it keeps coming.  Eventually you get too exhausted to even try to stop.  It drains away every ounce of hope you have.  It is so overwhelmingly painful, that you actually have to fold up and pray you’ll fall asleep. Every drop you shed stands for the gravity of what you have lost.  Yeah, you get me?  It’s that kind you imagine going so damn well with a profusely bleeding wrist. Tonight, I cry like I haven’t cried before. Literally, I just have to hold on to my chest and squeeze.. breathe and squeeze… it’ll be over soon… breathe. Squeeze..because for the very first time in my life it actually feels like my heart really is breaking. 

It’s called the “I-cheated-again-I’m-sorry-I’ll-change-I-mean-it-I-love-you-It’s over-I’m-hopeless” kind of cry… you can only shed it if you’re me.  (you need an extremely hard n stupid head as well as the special talent for mishap redundancy… before you get all jealous, that super power is endemic only to my little body.) 

No matter how I try to bring myself into some sanity I just keep falling into the same conclusion.  I screwed up.  I totally screwed up.  The love of my life… I gave up for a few childish moments. 

Tonight I lie in bed, crying my eyes out using a newly discovered variant of weeping… for the first in my life, I am crumpled in this cradle, because I know I lost the right one…

Usually I just cry a little because I’m sorry. Or because I am so disappointed in myself.. or because I can’t bear the thought of hurting someone…. Or because I once again have to admit that I am wrong.  But this time, on top of all that is something different.  This time, I actually cry because I want him back.

My philosophies in life have ‘protected’ me from the guilt and regret. (extremely thick skinned)  Sure, I’ve cried a lot.  Sometimes for the wound, sometimes for the scars, sometimes for the loss…but usually never for regret…

But right now, this incessant, silent, exhausting… painful crying… is.

071406

just me and my cigs.

the very first friday.

i guess this is every med student’s anxiety… having to sit still romancing volumes of textbooks while life around us goes by. i have never felt so stagnant.  my eight years have been laid out in front of me. although this is my dream, i am sadly feeling the pang of its impracticality.  my forecasted years are of limits and lacks- constraints of allowance, restrictions imposed by that need to pass, deprivation of youthful frolics… this is a box! my perimeter constructed ever so suffocatingly by responsibility, academic pressure and attendance (screw attendance!) this is a box indeed… and i am slowly burning out of passion.  Drained, dead sleepy and so stressed out, the constantly blocked out question inevitably surfaces. WHY???

why memorize something that will not make my life better?  why go through this when i’m already done with school?  why live on books when there are tons of things you can learn from experience? why sit through 4hour lectures when there is so much in the world left to see?  why memorize all the stupid names of all generations of cephalosporins when you have a published reference of all drugs? why choose to delay life by this sort of predicament? why not get a job and start living? why…why the hell, am i here?????

on most days a cone of ice cream usually suffices.  i can be consoled by reminding myself that this is a privilege.  that many are not given the same opportunity to reach their stars.  on most days i can manage to convince myself that i am not missing out on life.  that living out a dream is already living in itself.  on most days i remember that nothing great ever comes easy.  but today is not one of those days…

and so i vent!

i hate school…

i wish i could show you

the view from my eyes

wish i could show you

why im in love with this sight

you have to be brave

why worry over things?

maybe then you’ll understand

why it is that i have wings

i have rose colored eyes…

all i see is beauty

if only you weren’t so afraid…

maybe you would also see…

i wish i could teach you how to fly

but you carry too many fears

have you no faith in this tiny dancer?

you’re home, so wipe those tears

i’m not here to pass the time

i’m here coz i choose to be

this beautiful soul only i can see

is the only person you need to be

i have dew drops in my eyes…

my wings are slowly tiring

though i bleed for your lack of magic

i will never stop believing…

that someday you will let me show you

that love will finally give you sight

only when you fall this freely

will you learn the perfection of flight…

this beautiful soul only i can see

is the only person you need to be…

I dug up my files and here’s a blog I wrote around 6months back. Obviously I wasn’t having a great day… (back then when only angst could drive me to write anything…hehhee) I posted this because I amusingly realized how much I changed since then. And that I got one thing that was relatively difficult to achieve among all my listed wants… I finally found contentment. =) goodbye, “go figure days!” I didn’t get half the things listed gratified, but I’m telling you now that I am so damn happy! =)

“Instant gratification”

• I want dreadlocks. They’ll drive my parents absolutely crazy.
• I want to go to London. I’ll spend all my money watching musicals.  I can die after Les Miserables.
• I want to pig out on vongole and honey glazed chicken with L.A. there’s no one else I’d rather binge with right now.  I always did take it out on food. And we always took our miseries across the street- off to 21.
• I want to change those curtains. No further comment.
• I want to be 2 inches taller. God knows what I would’ve done with long legs.
• I want to go to open sea and scream my lungs out. I think I need those few moments of freedom…
• I want to stop settling for this mediocrity. If only it wasn’t so convenient. I know I am smarter than this though. But who gives a shit. I have the best of both worlds.
• I want to be 19 and stop there. Such a neutral age. You aren’t a juvenile 18 year old neither are you an aging 20 year old.
• I want to get mad for once. Why can other people get away with being so trivial? I shouldn’t always understand. Don’t I get to be a bitch for once?!
• I want to see five minutes of my 40’s. If I turn out fat I’ll start being anorexic at this very moment. It wouldn’t hurt to see who I finally marry. So I can finally stop being so confused.
• I want to be contented for one moment.
• I want to stop being so vain. It’s becoming too costly. And I hate running to class every morning.
• I want to tell my dad that he smokes too much. And that I worry. Maybe I’ll promise to quit smoking if he does. Maybe…
• I want to relive my first real hit with x. I didn’t realize I’d never be able to chase that sort of high again. I would’ve tripped and savored my hit more.
• I want to invent a drug that doesn’t kill your brain cells.  I’d be rich! (hahaha)
• I want to be back in the 60’s. and have an excuse to wear the tiniest outfits.  I’d be in love with the world and the music.  Always thought I was a hippie in one of my past lives.
• I want to be fine on my own. Depending on no one for happiness or security.
• I want to be able to tell it to his face…
• I want to be able to blab whatever comes to my mind. No filters. No hesitations. Without giving a fuck about grammar or substance. Hmm…Well at least that’s one want that I got today. For the rest, gratification will have to wait.
• I want to stop this pitiable form of displacement.
• I know exactly what I want. I do not want to daydream. I do not feel okay. And I want him to go figure…

Hahaha. such angst. (i amuse myself sometimes.) i wonder if guys ever realize how much stress they can put on girls simply by being guys! =) oh well… goodbye to days like that. maybe someday i’ll have all those things… for the meantime, i sit here smiling, grateful, and quite alright on my own. people can change indeed…

and oh yeah, i still want dreadlocks. =P

won’t you go for a ride with me?

on board my mushroom express

lets skip the waiting game…

i so hate the waiting game

but promise me a good, solid hit

and i’ll show you what it means to trip

i can barely walk now, i guess we’re here!

sit back and relax, let the magic appear

if i had a piece of paper

i would’ve sketched the world

i swear i saw a happy hippo

in the sky, in colored swirls

the sandy shores all shimmered in light

man, if you could only see through my colored eyes

hop on the train, and you’ll see why

glued to my face is a persistent smile

the gentle waves followed my heartbeat

magic sand blessed my tiny feet

keep going up and savor the hit

keep going up… go light the spliff!

if only i could only capture it the exact same way…

My mushroom wonders that sang all day.

for pipay and nana… and everyone else.

zambales memories!

morning comes…

a change of sky

i’ll never truly understand why

he holds my hand

to my surprise…

i linger in the midst of his eyes

morning comes…

be still my heart

over and over i said from the start

falling is meant for silly little girls

he holds me closer…

and i break my word

my beautiful sunshine…

if only you knew

the subtle radiance i saw in you

morning comes…

a change of stance

i never really did stand a chance

though he slowly inched his way

i think he had me on that very day

suddenly i begin to forget

the heights and memories i’ve come to fret

this heart refused to jump and fall

but he is simply worth it all…

my morning came…

a change of heart

braver than ever on this new start

give me your hand

step into my light

and let me show you the beauty of flight…

it takes one step

to fall and be free

i love you, babe.

come fall with me…

-for sol

thank you for that morning. =)

I am true to my sign- a scorpio – full of emotion, impulsive and driven by feelings.  I don’t think I’ve ever written a blog without running on some sort of mood.  My favorite entries sprang from a saturated mind- screaming of pain, frustration or sarcasm.  I can only write on a bad day.  But surprisingly, I find myself rushing to my laptop because of all the bubbling thoughts running through my head. Could it be??? I’m finally running on something positive?

Today is a rare occasion because I am not bugged by anything. (I had to rethink this statement a couple of times..and really! I’m having a good day!)  (no Rex, I am not just being manic… hehe!)  I am not difficult to please. Quite amusingly I am easily impressed by the simplest and dumbest of things… but for the longest time, my happiness had depended on the wrong things- a significant other, the company of friends, the high of accomplishing feats, the euphoria after a piercing or a new tattoo… Happiness had always been served by a chillpill.  But today, i’m with just myself.. without my usual line up of displacements. And, I feel fine.

A rare occasion it is.

And it calls for an entry that never, in my usual twistedness, did I ever imagine writing.  (deep breath…)

“Happy to be Me”

One impulsive day, I found myself sitting in my second most favorite displacement caterer- the parlor. And, I’m so sorry Dad, I had a perm! Although my best friend freaked out when she saw my picture, and although I truly miss combing my once straight hair, it actually makes walking through my 7am pharma class late a little less embarrassing.  Wet hair suddenly rocked. Haha. I love it!

I have short arms.  (really. This isn’t an exaggerated bicker.) Mention the words pocomelia or thalidomide and instantly all my classmates’ heads will turn to my direction.  I can never be promoted to the elegant department because of these wretched limbs!!! Hahaha. (yes, I have short legs too) But as Pam would always say…to be part of any department is good enough. The cute department ain’t so bad. (pasugti niyo ko I’m having a good day gani!) I wouldn’t be me without them. Plus, I don’t think I’ve heard of a large person get away with sneaking out by stuffing his bed with pillows. =P

My family is cursed with pear shaped bottoms.  The thought of long legs usually comes to me with that divine background music and that biblical blinding light. (bwahaha. I must’ve overslept the day God gave away long legs and a smaller behind.) But ass is still an asset. Ask any guy. So, I’ll live…

Currently, I am slowly becoming a bore because of medical school.  I so envy my friends who possess the luxury of 8hrs of sleep, wasak nights without dire consequences,  and all the time in the world to be young and be normal!  But despite these eyebags, my impaired social life, and my worsening penmanship, I think I actually like being in med. Medschool is my permit to a lot of things.  It gives me a legit reason to go the parlor weekly.  I get spa rights very often. It assures my parents that I am a fully functional AND responsible individual, because even if I do come home crisscrossing to bed at 5 in morning, their daughter will still be a doctor someday. Finally, any excuse to stay in school and live on allowance is just wonderful. Hehe. 

I am indecisive, too impulsive and hardly ever contented.  I get myself into the shittiest things.  But thank God, my parents did too when they were younger. They trust me well enough to let me make my own mistakes.  And when I come home crying, they never say “We told you so.” I have a dozen characteristics that warrant the label of “parental advisory” or “warning!” perhaps even “Rated R” (haha) but with balance and a little self caution, they actually make me interesting.  For one thing, life is never a bore! 

My heart wears a garland of bandages and bruises- injured by the many freefalls to empty promises, unfaithful ‘oopsies’ repeatedly uttered…victimized by the ironies of love and loss.  But time has passed and life went on.  Today, I can truthfully say that broken hearts are better hearts.  I am single. I am fine. Best of all, it’s by choice! (ha!)

People usually tell me how much my sarcasm amuses them.  I know this entry isn’t half as amusing as those written with the ample bitchiness and bitterness that so many people can relate to.  But I only mean to point out one thing.  We can go on and on bitching about the things we hate about ourselves, the scars we feel we were unfairly left to live with, the rain cloud that spoiled our sunshine… Though there are several displacements waiting for us… we can find happiness in that tiny effort of finding our silver linings.  After today, I realized I have plenty.

No pint of ice cream, no haircut… I did not get inked!… but I am fine.

And happy…to be me. 

Have a nice day folks =)

brighter than sunshine

by aqualung

I never understood before
I never knew what love was for
My heart was broke, my head was sore
What a feeling

Tied up in ancient history
I didnt believe in destiny
I look up you’re standing next to me
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
Brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, i don’t care
I’m yours and suddenly you’re mine
Suddenly you’re mine
And it’s brighter than sunshine

I never saw it happening
I’d given up and given in
I just couldn’t take the hurt again
What a feeling

I didn’t have the strength to fight
Suddenly you seemed so right
Me and you
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It’s brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don’t care
I’m yours and suddenly you’re mine
Suddenly you’re mine

It’s brighter than the sun
It’s brighter than the sun
It’s brighter than the sun, sun, shine.

Love will remain a mystery
But give me your hand and you will see
Your heart is keeping time with me

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It’s brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don’t care
I’m yours and suddenly you’re mine
Suddenly you’re mine

I got a feeling in my soul

Love burns brighter than sunshine
It’s brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don’t care
I’m yours and suddenly you’re mine
Suddenly you’re mine…

and its brighter than the sun, sunshine…

* i don’t know why but im suddenly singing… to capture the moment, i couldn’t think of a more perfect song. for my sake, i hope the spontaneous singing stops. gotta get this song out of my head. hay. it’s nice to be surprised once in a while. morning sun slowly filled the room..felt like no else existed in the world. time just stopped. i held my breath. my god, it was so beautiful when he finally smiled…it really was brighter than the sunshine.

but this girl’s been scarred way too many times…it’s a little too real..a little too complicated. I’m at the losing end, confused and very much hanging… but hey, I NEVER WUSS OUT! =) so lets see…

Fuck this masquerade

My fictitious smile’s too heavy

I wonder who you truly are

I tailored you to my fancy

I wanted to believe…

I hate it that I still believe..

An inch from falling into bitterness

Don’t bother, I’m jumping in

The wave of fury I’ll finally let in…

Do you even know that you killed a spirit?

I’m fading by the day…

But you just won’t go away…

Fuck it.

Just go away.

Watch me crash and burn

Into irony so beautiful

Watch me crash and burn

I promise I’ll be graceful

Without a warning, without a doubt

So easily you walked out.

I tried so hard to find a corner of light

Convincing myself that I’m alright

But the question echoes in my head

Was there truth to the things you said?

Did you even love me then?

Tried to drown it out with a song…

Granite heart stared all night long

Pretty soon it should be the end.

There’s no cure to this graceful death

Watch me crash and burn

Coz I swore that I’d be faithful

I’ll crash and I’ll burn…

I promise I’ll be graceful

I’m dying but you won’t hear a sound

It burns but I’ll never say it out loud…

You’ll never hear me ask why.

I’m going down with a smile…

Watch me crash and burn

Coz to me you’ll always be beautiful

Watch me crash

Watch me burn…

All I can be is graceful.

- Inspired by Velvet Revolver, theres nothing like rock on a bad day =)